Updated: Mar 24, 2021
If you've never experienced a miscarriage before, you may be wondering how to best support a friend or loved one through this difficult time. Today I'm sharing 5 ways to help support someone through miscarriage.
Acknowledge Their Loss
Miscarrying often involves a heavy grieving period with a great amount of loss. It's important to make sure that you acknowledge the loss by telling them you are sorry for their loss. Never say anything that will invalidate their loss, and never completely ignore it as if they hadn't miscarried unless communicated otherwise. Below are a list of examples of invalidating someones loss after miscarriage:
- "At least you weren't further along."
-"You can always try again."
-"At least you know you can get pregnant."
-"It wasn't meant to be."
-"Everything happens for a reason."
Stay away from any phrase that will invalidate or minimize someone's loss. A great way to stay in line is to never say something to someone who miscarried that you wouldn't say to someone at a funeral. A loss is a loss.
2. Be A Shoulder To Cry On
A wonderful way to be more supportive is to offer them a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to. Tell them that you are always there if they need someone to vent to or just listen - and just listen! Something that really helped me after miscarrying was being able to share my story over and over again until talking about it no longer brought tears to my eyes. There is something so therapeutic about walking through the pain to be able to fully process it, so being there to just listen to whatever they want to talk about without judgment is super helpful. Maybe they'll want to talk about, maybe they won't, but either way respect their feelings and offer your support.
3. Do Something Kind
Grief after miscarriage makes daily tasks much more difficult. A great way to be supportive to someone who has recently miscarried is to do something nice for them. After I miscarried, I found it extremely difficult to do simple household tasks like doing laundry, going grocery shopping, and cooking dinner. I was a complete wreck and couldn't function. One night, my mom offered to bring my husband and I dinner, and I had no idea how badly I needed the help until I received it. It's important to ask if there is anything you can do to make their days easier during this time in case they have something specific in mind that they may need help with. If there is not something specific, here's a list of ideas on how to help:
- Make them dinners for the week
- Grab a gift card to their favorite takeout places
- Order and pickup takeout for them
- Offer to grocery shop for them
- Offer to help with household chores
- Offer to help with other children or pets they have
- Offer to run errands for them
4. Send Something To Brighten Their Day
We can all agree that grief is not a fun process and it surrounds us with a lot of darkness. Do something to brighten their day and make them feel loved. While I miscarried I was so grateful to have loved ones send cards, flowers, jewelry and more. It's a beautiful way to tell someone you care and acknowledge their loss. Below are a few ideas that you can do to help:
- Buy them flowers
- Get them a gift card for a date night
- Grab them a coffee from their favorite coffee shop
- Get them a gift card for a massage
- Get them a gift card to get their nails done
- Write them a thoughtful card
- Get them a gift basket with cozy, feel-good goodies
- Get them a meaningful piece of jewelry
5. Check In On Them
One of the most important pieces of advice I can offer to you when trying to support someone after miscarriage is to check in on them. The sad truth about loss is that others around you will quickly move on and move forward from your loss, but you are still grieving for weeks, months, and maybe even years. Check in on your friend or loved one after their loss. Ask them how they are doing and once again if there is anything you can do to help, unless communicated otherwise that they no longer wish to talk about it. While you may think they should be finished grieving, ultimately you cannot decide their level of grief, so it's important to allow them to grieve for as long as they need to and offer your support for as long as they need it.